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Did this come from a fortune cookie? If so, I think it would behoove its recipient to take that wisdom to heart. - Matty Malaprop

We'll know more once we get the forensic evidence back from the Lab. - Matty Malaprop

... because they're Elder Scrolls, see? See what I did there? I'm so terribly sorry I did that. :( - Matty Malaprop

Get over here and play a video game!

I don't know about the rest of you, but my parents always had a knack for predicting arrival times at places to a T. - Matty Malaprop

Today on self-evident science theater... - Matty Malaprop

The man then proceeded to wolf down his meal while his animal friends stood by, bearly able to watch such a gruesome spectacle. - Matty Malaprop

I can see all the best-selling titles now: "King Learax," "A Midsummer Night's Grinch," "Othello, the Places You'll Go," "Yorick the Turtle and Other Stories," "Fox in Saxony..." the possibilities are limitless! - Matty Malaprop

I'm thinking you find an annoying younger brother and shout "ER! ER! ER!" at him ad nauseam until he starts crying, but I could well be mistaken on this one. - Matty Malaprop

They're like Scooby Snacks, only the reeling lasts longer. #ThatOneWasOnTheHouse - Matty Malaprop

Some days you're the windshield, and... wait, where was I even going with this? - Matty Malaprop

I just... I don't... excuse me while I go vomit. - Matty Malaprop