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Some days you're the windshield, and... wait, where was I even going with this? - Matty Malaprop

It's kinda like when he ordered that diamond-studded cast iron frying pan from Amazon, and in the comments sectioned noted that it was intended "fo' sizzle." - Mattizzle Malapropizzle

You're the only buoy I've ever loved. - Matty Malaprop

NO! NO! CTRL + Z!! I was a little heated when I said those hurtful things! I know I ovenreacted, but now that I've cooled off, I want to say I'm sorry! - Matty Malaprop

I have an inkling that octopuses don't really appreciate being tickled. Sorry Bad Joke Eel. - Matty Malaprop

If the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, then it certainly doesn't rot far from it either. - Matty Malaprop

Holy Mole-y, indeed. - Matty Malaprop

Ugh, you're always such a manatease. - Matty Malaprop

I ain't even ashamed to admit that. And by that I mean I'm totally and completely ashamed to admit that.

But seriously. Seriously. Click this link. Listen to this song. It will be stuck in your head 5ever. I'm sorry. - Matty Malaprop

If you think One Direction is a terrible band, you're totally Autocowreck.

Dude, you really ought to keep a better ion those things! - Matty Malaprop

Oh, science jokes... my best friend's engaged to a Biochemistry Ph.D., but I swear to god if I hear the "unzip your genes" joke one more time, I'm going to wreck that highfalutin home. - Matty Malaprop

But the real question is: How does he do in a game of Chess? - Matty Malaprop

And to think he would have said "inside you" if his gaydar had only given off a slightly stronger signal... - Matty Malaprop

Source: Cyanide & Happiness