Oh Carly Simon, I know I told all of your CDs that I wanted to throw them out of the window of my mother's Buick LeSabre when I was younger, but I promise I'm not the man I used to be. Please to forgive me for my veinity? - Matty Malaprop

I'm so jealous of trees. They always seem to foli-age so beautifully! - Matty Malaprop

The greatest hits collection features such jams as "Ishmael Shot the Sheriff," "Redemption Harpoon" and "No White Whale No Cry." - Matty Malaprop

Unsurprisingly, the student in question was denied permission to relieve herself. The correct response was "puis-je utiliser les toilettes?" - Matty Malaprop

I pity the fool who thinks you can get good tea from most primarily-coffee-oriented cafés. - Matty Malaprop

Srsly u guiz: NYANCATBUS. It's Totoro meets Nyan Cat meets a misinterpretation of the acronym USB. HOW COULD ANYTHING POSSIBLY BE BETTER? - Matty Malaprop

Cheer up, math-friend. Get some Zs tonight and hopefully you'll feel better in the morning! - Matty Malaprop

I mean, I suppose you could always just try going to a bank, but that just seems so obvious... - Matty Malaprop

He was a man whose artistic style could only be defined by one word: WHAM! - Matty Malaprop

And the parts don't want to be tied up in it either! And the ties don't want to be embroiled themselves! And the broiler resents its inclusion in the whole affair also! And the affair was between Bobby Brown and someone else and well that's just creepy to even think about. - Matty Malaprop

Kind of a shame he didn't give chase in this particular situation. Boy's got a killer bank shot. - Matty Malaprop

EveryCSIJokeIsARimshot #SeriouslyUGuizGnRSux - Matty Malaprop