THE SCHEDULE SAYS 9:13 A.M. AND YET IT ALWAYS SHOWS UP AT 9:09 A.M. AND MY LIFE IS JUST A LIE :((((((((((((((( - Matty Malaprop

It felt good to be... out-of-office auto-reply? - Matty Malaprop

Gaben, I tip my punster hat to you. - Matty Malaprop

I mean, are they quintuplets conjoined at the boner? I'M INCREDIBLY CONFUSED BY THIS STATEMENT AND ALSO I DON'T THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP THANKS TO THE MENTAL IMAGE I JUST CONJURED UP FOR MYSELF EWWWWWWWW. - Matty Malaprop

Ordering one of these for lunch is guaranteed to put you on the sunny side of the afternoon! - Matty Malaprop

He rises, he descends, but he sure as hell never stays in one place for longer than a hot minute. - Matty Malaprop

It's simple. We photograph the Batman.

Thank you, anonymous submitter, for providing me with this post title. I figured Jennifer Aniston was dead by the end no matter who her romantic counterpart was. HAYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOO- - Matty Malaprop