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What do you think this is, Sticky? The Feeding of the Multitude? - Matty Malaprop

I'm not saying it's not an inaccurate recapitulation of the year... I just think it rings a bit hollow, you know? - Matty Malaprop

It's really more a cubby if you ask me... maybe it's just meant to store his pirate track jacket? - Matty Malaprop

Raising a child always causes an unfortunate kind of famine for your energy levels. - Matty Malaprop

And then she shouted "BAYER WITH ME!" ... and everyone turned into aspirin. - Matty Malaprop

Oh, I'm sorry, you were expecting me to foot your bill? How droll! - Matty Malaprop

GET IT BECAUSE YOU CAN ALSO GROW FLOWERS IN A GARDEN IN ADDITION TO FRUIT BUT IF YOU'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T WATER THEM AND THEN THEY WILL WILT AND THUS BECOME WILTING FLOWERS LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL #I'mTheWorst - Matty Malaprop

"Is this some kind of trick," he wondered, "some kind of snare meant to catch me off my guard?" - Matty Malaprop

On this particular team, there apparently are no eyes either. - Matty Malaprop

You can use a joke like this time and again, but its humor value will always be evergreen. - Matty Malaprop

I mean, that IS the moral of "The Tortoise and the Hare," right? Right? - Matty Malaprop

... but just long enough to blanche them. If you Kendoll the flame too much, you might singe their blonde tips! - Matty Malaprop

Seriously, why can't the phrase just be "hold your ponies?" I'm starting to lose feeling in my left arm... - Matty Malaprop

To each his own and yadda yadda, but I've always preferred pinky jinxing myself. - Matty Malaprop