Seriously woman, get off his breastplate! Can't a guy head to the tavern ONCE A WEEK without you knowing his every move in the process? - Matty Malaprop

Tony Stark? More like TONY STARCH! #lololololololwaitthatwasn'tevenveryfunny - Matty Malaprop

Well, I suppose their primary product line is intended for a certain kind of feline... - Matty Malaprop

The song got stuck in my head once I started writing this post. And that obviously means I have to share the hate love with all of you. - Matty Malaprop

Whenever I receive a submission that features a joke as old as the interweb itself, I feel like the yeast I can do is front page it with some appropriately derisive and catty commentary. - Matty Malaprop

I think that's also what you call a surefire way to die of suffocation. But whatever. - Matty Malaprop

... but I don't really get the punch line... maybe it's just too labyrinthian for my small brain to understand! - Matty Malaprop

But I guess maybe his Hollywooden rickshaw is more fuel efficient? - Matty Malaprop

ERMAGEHRD! KERMS! - Matty Malaprop

He just kept thinking: "What would I have to do to be able to live life on the lam?" - Matty Malaprop

BabiesAreGross #Don'tDenyIt #VesselsForFilthAndCrying - Matty Malaprop

I'm suspicious because of the pixels and from having seen a number of huge fans in my day. - Matty Malaprop

I don't know about the rest of you, but my parents always had a knack for predicting arrival times at places to a T. - Matty Malaprop

They didn't manage to off their first victim, though they did leave him visibly shaken afterward. - Matty Malaprop

I GET IT AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE GLOBE IS A THEATER IN LONDON HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh wait that wasn't actually that funny... - Matty Malaprop