Stephen Sondheim said the following in his Pulitzer Prize winning musical Sunday in the Park with George. “There are only two worthwhile things to leave behind when you depart this world of ours: children and art.” Of course, this is not an objective fact. You could argue that there are many worthwhile things you leave behind when you die that go beyond those two rigid categories.

The golden age of parents on Twitter lying about the esoteric things their young children say has long passed us. Back in the ancient years of 2016 and 2017, parents were obsessed with tweeting things like, "My 3-year-old son came just up to me and said 'Papa, I have a childlike solution to great economic and social problems that will go viral instantly through the retweets of easily fooled rubes.'" Unfortunately for these parents, a lot of Twitter users have caught on to these unbelievably cor…

Puriteens are at it again

It's finally March, and you know what that means? Spring Break is imminent, and there's nothing you can do about it. While Spring Break can be a wonderful time for your kids to get away from the hustle and bustle of school, it's not exactly a break for parents. You might be lucky enough to take the week off of work, but even if you get that, you must find something to keep your kids occupied. Spring Break is simply a preview of what's to come after Memorial Day. Your kids are lying around all d…

Intending not to have kids has become much more socially acceptable for millennials . It used to be that if you were a person who didn't have kids, you were an old spinster, a nun, or a deeply ashamed closeted person. These days, a much larger chunk of young people are vehemently against bringing another life into this world. This can be for various reasons, from not wanting to financially support another human being to not wanting to push another person through their body. While these reasons…

One of the most popular stereotypes about parents is that once someone has kids, something shifts in their brain that makes them feel like the most esoteric person alive. They smugly remark on how different the world looks now that they've got kids, implying that they've got something far more important in their lives than anything a childless person could be doing. Although I understand how annoying this can be for those of us on the receiving end of this smug, I kind of get it. I cannot imagi…

Boy moms have been rightfully roasted on social media recently. I'm not talking about just any woman who has solely mothered boys. I'm talking about the Oedipal nightmare of TikToker moms who openly admit they are in love with their sons. I have seen the same variation of "watching your son grow up is like experiencing the longest breakup ever" repeatedly on the stupid clock app. Why are these women telling on themselves like this? Why are so many boy moms in love with their sons? That guy Soph…

Valentine's Day brings many unique challenges to parents, depending on how old their kids are. If you have elementary school-aged kids, you've probably had to go to the store and buy way too many Valentine's Day cards for your kid's classmates. It's fun for the kids, but buying and assembling these cards can be a pain. If you've got some moody middle schoolers , you might be dealing with some candy-gram-related drama. Once you age out of classroom Valentine's Day parties, kids start to send eac…

We should all know less about each other. This mantra has popped up on Twitter recently, often in response to people sharing graphic personal details online, particularly on TikTok. With the advent of social media, we have become conditioned to share so much of our lives with strangers. We're not just showing the shiny and cool parts of our lives with strangers: we're sharing everything! We post a picture every day because an app told us to “be real.” We share our traumas on TikTok because thos…

Parents love to document every milestone their kid reaches. A child's first steps, first word, and first day of school are all recorded carefully by their mom and dad so they can relive that memory for years to come. However, the most memorable moments of a kid's life usually happen when the cameras aren't around. When I was a kid, I wore my parents down so much one night by asking them endless questions about the biology of conjoined twins. Obviously, they didn't have extensive knowledge of th…

Isn't it wild that so many popular ideas about parenting came from one dude? I'm talking, of course, about Dr. Spock. No, no Dr. Spock from Star Trek, but the Dr. Spock who wrote the most influential book about parenting of the 20th century. The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care revolutionized child care in the 1940s and 1950s and taught parents to see their children as individuals, all with their own individual needs. Before Spock, parenting books told parents to do everything on a rigi…

These people are nuts

I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret; I am not a parent. Despite this, my friends always tell me that they think I'd be a good mom . What does that say about me? I have no idea. My first theory is that I would be a good mom because I have incredible vibes, and I will pass those good vibes down through my bloodline. Hopefully, my good vibes won't skip a generation! Perhaps I would be one of those strict, no-nonsense parents that can't stop bragging about how their 3-year-old has never…

It's true that some people hate kids. I once worked with someone who was so staunchly anti-child it kind of disturbed me. Sure, it can be argued that it's selfish to bring life into this messed up world. But if you look at it another way, it's absolutely optimistic. There's a chance, even if it's a small one, that if you raise your kid right, they could make that same messed up world a better place. Unfortunately, the internet seems to be making that prospect slightly more unrealistic. Nonethel…

Tell me if you've heard this one: "I'm going to have kids early so I can enjoy my 40s and 50s." Or what about this one: "I'm going to wait until I'm 30 to have a kid so I can enjoy my twenties." These lines of reasoning are predicated on the notion that having kids is not enjoyable and is something you want to be relieved of eventually or postpone. I have little qualification to speak on this: I am not a parent, and who knows what the future of parenthood will look like for me. But I hope that…

Little kids are so funny. Based on my highly biased calculations, the average kid is 10x more comical than the average adult. Kids are blessed with the gift of comedy for multiple reasons. For one, they are given the freedom to be silly. Unfortunately for us adults, there are not a lot of opportunities to be goofballs in corporate America. If you're not silly at work, you have less time to be silly at home, which cuts down your daily silliness quota by at least 60%. Kids also aren't yet experts…