I often find myself wondering, “how many precious moments of my short life have I spent scrolling through my phone on the toilet? How many hours have I wasted pushing digested food and drink out of my body?

There's no way a Roku remote is that good

Three chili peppers or bust

Nom nom nom

I won't even try to hide it, I love fast food . There's nothing better than going full animal mode on a big plate of Wendy's. Just last night, I ate more Mcdonald's than my stomach could handle. What I couldn't finish is in the fridge, which means I'll be eating a McDouble for lunch . Call it disgusting or unhealthy or lazy. You'd be right, for the most part, but there's nothing wrong with having a huge helping of fast food once in a while. All that being said, moderation is very important. Jus…

The GOAT

Stop what you're doing for just a minute. Take a look around the room. What's next to you? What are you drinking? Coffee? Juice? Please, don't say soda. Me? I've got a big jar of ice water. The way that it's supposed to be. We all know how important hydration is for the optimal functioning of our bodies. But I don't think we appreciate it as much as we should. Admittedly, I'm only a recent water convert. Only in the past few months have I started drinking the daily recommended amount of water.…

🥥

Everybody likes their hamburger prepared in a different way. When I was a kid, I would order every burger with only pickles on it. No ketchup, mustard, or anything else was welcome on that sandwich. I thought that pickles were the only topping I could possibly stomach, but I would eventually prove myself wrong by adding onions to the equation. Basically, I was eating the stinkiest burgers imaginable without lettuce and tomato to soften the blow. Luckily, I wasn't in that phase too long. One tim…

It's my belief that people take lemons for granted. Most stores, even the produce-phobic bodegas of Brooklyn , have a least a few to offer the acid-seeking individuals of the world. Lemons gussy up water. They add zip to salad dressings, their zest is crucial for many baked goods, and they taste good as hell in a cocktail. Lemons have inspired tired phrases (When life gives you lemons… ) and denigrating ones (when we're talking about disappointing people or things). Lemon-flavored things also g…

Delicious

This one's for the friend-havers

Feed me!

Summer is officially here, and you know what that means? It's time to chow down on a hot dog at a 4th of July barbeque. Every American city has a very different idea of what a hot dog should be. I'm mostly talking about New York and Chicago because those cities will let you know when you're eating a hot dog wrong. Chicago citizens, particularly, hate it when you put ketchup on your hot dog. They see it as an insult to their city, culture, and way of life. There is a terrifying statue of a menac…

Y'ARG MATEYS! This be a pirate meme compilation. My name is Captain Craig (I know, it's a lousy pirate name…I'm working on it), and I have a tale of woe that's worse than swabbing the deck for fourteen fortnights or even walking the plank. Our fierce pirate crew decked our ship on a deserted island, knowing there was bound to be some hidden treasure afoot. Ye ship's trusty boatswain came upon a big red X, and we knew it would be easy sailing from here. Imagine my surprise when Scallyway Steve d…

Not everyone can be a renaissance man, woman, or person. It's actually pretty unrealistic to think everyone in the world will have a fascinating range of interests, talents, or hobbies. For much of my pathetic time on this planet, I've felt a bit boring . This isn't because I'm dumb, or because I don't know how to make conversation. The feeling of blahness I feel about my personality is mostly due to the fact that all I really care about is food. I love cooking food in my cramped kitchen. I lov…