Star Wars "Legends" content has always been pretty variable in quality, but we're not interested in the safe stuff like Thrawn or Mara Jade—we're talkin' Luke seducing multiple dead girls, Leia trying to delay puberty through dance, and Jedi masters named after, uh, self love. This is Canonball.
Not everybody has 4 hours to devote to Zack Snyder's Justice League, so we went ahead and made a Snyder Cut of our own. We've got Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Cyborg, Flash, Steppenwolf, Alfred, Lois Lane, Iris West, Darkseid, Martian Manhunter, Martha, Joker, the other Joker, that dumb kid in the bank, and it only cost us $20. Even better, it costs you nothing. Sorry, HBOMax.
The history of the Justice League is almost as long as the Snyder Cut's runtime. And it's chock full of fascinating stuff, especially at the beginning like Wonder Woman's love of rough stuff, Superman's origins as an evil homeless guy, and Darkseid's insatiable thirst for monogamy. Also, Batman was blonde. This is CanonBall.
Superhero movies are here to stay and so, apparently, are their super strange tropes like superwomen smiling after being punched, "serious" superhero films taking place in insane asylums, and longing for some romance always leading to a loss of superpowers. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is technically out this week, but thankfully The Incredible Spider-Professor Angry Hands Hammer Man is here to save the day!
Presumably, every single writer in Hollywood was at some point in time a teenager. At the very least, they probably inject themselves with teenage blood in order to keep their organs strong and their skin moist. So how in the world do they know nothing about them? Thankfully, "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is oft accused of having a teenage sense of humor, so join him as he tears apart teenage movie tropes that have no grounding in reality.
Did Obi-Wan WANT Padme and Anakin to get together in Star Wars? Was John Connor encouraging Kyle Reese to get with his mom in Terminator? Should Passengers have given Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence an entirely different ending? "Doctor" Jordan Breeding slips into something a bit more comfortable to take a deeply embarrassing look at some of film's most deeply disturbing romantic couples. So grab a glass of something bubbly, and start your Valentine's Day Weekend the right way.
Everybody assumes Keanu Reeves' John Wick's greatest skill is his ability to headshot 20 dudes in five seconds, but what if his actual greatest ability is being a super nice guy and a great friend? Carly Snowdon and Jordan Breeding dive straight into the shadowy weeds to discuss the qualifications of an expert assassin, what it means to be a good friend, and whether there will ever be a better action franchise than "The Raid."
Anyone remember Bat Boy? According to legend, the half-bat, half-boy crawled out of the West Virginia caves sometime in the 1970s, only to be discovered and plastered on the front cover of Weekly World News in 1992. But the adventures of the tabloid legend don't stop there. He became a musical, he bit Santa Claus, and eventually he, uh, maybe mailed anthrax to Cracked.
Cracked's back with a brand new video series, and this one will appeal to fans of all things Marvel. The premiere episode of "Canonball," a series that explores the weird and embarrassing sides of canon that people pretend never happened. Spider-Man is the show's first victim, and Cracked looks into the weird and weirdly sexy storylines that the Disney-owned MCU wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole.
Cracked's back with another installment of their "Movies For $20" series and they've applied this budget restriction to Denis Villeneuve's remake of Dune. The film, which stars Timothee Chalamet and Zendaya, was supposed to be released yesterday. This hilarious and immaculately produced video is more than enough to tide us over for now.
Woods porn. It's not a complicated concept, but it's a dying phenomenon that most people under 30 have yet to experience. As people turn to their smart phones for their dirty, dirty browsing activities, young and horny kids are missing out on the experience of chancing upon raunchy magazines in public (and often creepy places). It's a goddamn shame, and the folks at Cracked are here to delve deep into the history of this bizarre rite of passage. Gather round, Gen Z. We're about to go on a journey through time.
The 1980s were a dangerous time for many of us, but it was especially dangerous if you were from a specific demographic: A sitcom mother.
Go ahead, think about it. Have you ever noticed that while you were watching reruns of Diff’rent Strokes or Full House that there was never a mom around? To paraphrase a 90s sitcom, what’s the deal with that?
This was no accident. There was a reason why so many sitcoms were about single fathers dealing with multiple children, and the After Hours team at Cracked took a quick look at why “audiences tuned in week after week to laugh at grieving families and abandoned children?”
In this video, Cracked uncovers the reason that the 80s were such a bad time to be a sitcom mom, or a sit-mom, as I’ll refer to them. Some reasons include: the success of the first example, Diff’rent Strokes led to copycats; the removal of a show’s moral center (the mother) would result in “dad’s burning dinners and uncomfortably buying bras,” as well as unaccompanied minors playing in a dump and getting stuck in a fridge. But ultimately, they discover that these shows were a response to rising divorce rates and the breakdown of the American nuclear family.
Check out the video and learn a little something about how the 80s were a golden age of abandoned kids and idiot fathers.
