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Think about this the next time you ask for a refreshing beverage! - Matty Malaprop

TOTALLY TRUE FACT THAT'S TOTALLY NOT TRUE: Turtles have incredibly hairy undersides, and regular waxing is mandatory for all good turtle owners. - Matty Malaprop

Matty Malaprop's Valentine's Day 2012 Agenda: Work. Go home. Cry. Listen to The Smiths. Cry. Eat ice cream. Cry. Listen to the Smiths. Cry. Fap. Cry. Eat ice cream, listen to The Smiths, cry and fap simultaneously. Repeat until it's Feb. 15.

It's Valentine's Day, and Cheezburger has a very special present for you!

When he wasn't busy being the 18th Century Everyman, Franklin liked to spend his time fronting little-known but much-loved proto-rock band Poor Richard and the Almanacs. - Matty Malaprop

It's kinda like that Flash game "Achievement Unlocked!" Except it's not fun and you can only click one thing and it's soundtracked by one of the worst "rap-rock" bands to ever exist. Oh f*ing boy. - Matty Malaprop

I can get behind whole college football craze, I guess... but what the hell is with the elephant? - Matty Malaprop

Better or worse than death by cholera? DISCUSS. - Matty Malaprop

Let's just hope he learns to stay down before his owner's brother comes over to meet him, lest we risk seeing yet another fall of Troy. - Matty Malaprop

Well, okay, Ghost Kitty and Cat Spider aren't really puns, and Rocket Kitty doesn't work unless it's Rockitty... but three-and-a-half outta six ain't bad! - Matty Malaprop

Gif your butt (!) over to Animal Gifs for MOAR cyoot and funneh on loop!

SPOILER ALERT: HE'S BEEN A GOOSE THE WHOLE TIME!!!11!!!!!1!!! - Matty Malaprop