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I asked him to STOP, but he refused to even YIELD his kleptomaniacal deeds! - Matty Malaprop

In fact they're a high-end restaurant devoted solely to fancy beef dinners, and the mother in the story is pescetarian. All in all the whole evening ended up being a total cabasstrophe. - Matty Malaprop

I'm thinking you find an annoying younger brother and shout "ER! ER! ER!" at him ad nauseam until he starts crying, but I could well be mistaken on this one. - Matty Malaprop

I was with you all until the Doritos joke... I mean, really, is there any potato-matter in a bag of Doritos at all? I'm skeptical. - Matty Malaprop

If a pun falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does it still make people groan? - Matty Malaprop

Social Media at its best and worst on Failbook!

Maybe we should lay off him a bit, guys. No matter how much we pry, he's still telling us (empa)nada. - Matty Malaprop

Unrelated to this joke: Why don't more people use the phrase "I reckon" nowadays? It's just so fun to say! - Matty Malaprop

Unsurprisingly, the student in question was denied permission to relieve herself. The correct response was "puis-je utiliser les toilettes?" - Matty Malaprop