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(Barack Obama, Mitt Romney)

(Mitt Romney, Barack Obama)

Every time I get food in my mouth the damn waitress asks how it is. I swear they are in the back laughing at us.

Did this come from a fortune cookie? If so, I think it would behoove its recipient to take that wisdom to heart. - Matty Malaprop

(Mitt Romney, Barack Obama)

OKAY YEAH SO MY POST TITLE IS REALLY BAD BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE DATE JOKES THAT AREN'T JUST THE PITS OKAY????? - Matty Malaprop

Q: Why do computer programmers tend to be insomniacs? A: They typically consume far too much java every day. - Matty Malaprop

(Mitt Romney)

That's what happens when you pump too much money into the economy too quickly! - Matty Malaprop

Social media at its best and worst on Failbook!

Every veteran hipster knows you don't drink your coffee until you've chain-smoked four cigarettes, duh! - Matty Malaprop

I don't know if the guy in this picture is actually named Tony. I'm just guessing here. He strikes me as a Tony. Or maybe as a Randall... unclear. - Matty Malaprop

I was going to say you bait it with greens, but I suppose that works too... - Matty Malaprop

Tim Kaine, when asked about people who pay no federal income tax, actually answered that he would consider raising taxes on the poor.