“Which animal am I” is one of those questions you usually don't want to know the answer to. Either you get an adorable animal like a cat, or you get one that truly makes you confront your reality as a human being. When I was growing up and this question came up, everyone would always say that I was a giraffe. This was not a particularly shocking answer, seeing as I was at least 5'9 by the time I was 12 years old. However, it did get old after a while that people were only seeing me for my tall…

I was a fish owner once. In fact, I was a fish owner three times over. Unfortunately, these fish all met the same bitter end at the bottom of the toilet bowl. Each time we got fish, we got two goldfish and named the Cosmo and Wanda. I even had a show-accurate Fairly-Odd Parents-themed fish bowl that they got to live in. Despite our best efforts to give them a good life, all three sets of Cosmo and Wanda died under mysterious circumstances. Those circumstances really boiled down to the fact that…

Give him a smooch

I've known several horse girls throughout my life, and I've always been fascinated by their passion for the sport. I'm from Texas, so obviously, horses are kind of a big deal there. It never ceased to amaze me how much horses cost to own and maintain. When you get a dog, you have to pay for the dog and all of its supplies and medical expenses, but at least you can let your dog live in your house. With horses, you've got to find a place where they can live, and unless you live on an actual farm,…

The worst thing about animals is that they can't talk . I know there have been a couple of scientifically studied gorillas and dogs on TikTok who can say words, but that's not the same thing as talking. Humans are the only species that can speak in a grammatically coherent way, and that's a darn shame. I've had several dogs I wish I could talk to because they probably have crazy life stories. My first dog, Toby, had an extremely traumatic life before we got him. When the dog rescue found him, h…

"Serious goose" doesn't have the same ring to it

So true

Do you feel welcomed to the DEEP SEA?

Get him out of there

One at a time!

You've gotta bee kidding me

Do I believe in Bigfoot? The real question is, does Bigfoot believe in himself ? This creature is world famous. He's been a national phenomenon since the 70s. An entire section in my elementary school's library was devoted to him. He should be on Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon and all those Jimmy shows, but he's too much of a coward to show his face. I don't want to be too hard on Bigfoot. It must not be easy to live up to all of those documentaries. He's also got a good reason to fear Bigfoot h…

I don't know about you, but I loved the Tim Allen movie The Shaggy Dog when I was a kid. I thought the manner in which he communicated that he was his kid's father through Scrabble was an ingenious cinematic moment. However, I didn't know that this 2006 film was actually a remake until I was in college. Me and my college roommates were obsessed with watching terrible movies on Disney +. One of those movies was the sequel to The Shaggy Dog , aptly titled, The Shaggy D.A. Instead of the original…

Love this bug

There are a lot of animals in the Muppet Cinematic Universe . They've got frogs, pigs, bears, aliens, rats, and all kinds of whatnots! If I had to choose, my favorite muppet would be Animal. He's got such a lust for life that we all could use a little bit of. This might be a bit of an unpopular Muppet opinion, but if it weren't for Animal, I don't know if the Electric Mayhem would have survived as a group. Sure, we all love Dr. Teeth and Janis, but Animal brings the punk edge that the band so d…

If you watched the Best Picture this year, you know that one of the best animals in the animal kingdom got a starring role. Everything Everywhere All At Once featured a gag where a 'Remy the rat' esque raccoon went under a chef's hat, and his name was Raccacoonie. Imagine what kind of movie Ratatouille would have been if a raccoon was running the show. Raccoons had already gotten a star-making moment in children's animation around that time, with one starring in the middling DreamWorks comedy,…