A Performance From a World Pun Champion

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WAIT. PUN-OFFS ARE REAL THINGS? ALRIGHT I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND I'M SORRY BUT THIS IS THE END BECAUSE I'M RUNNING AWAY TO BECOME A COMPETITIVE PUN-TALKER! - Matty Malaprop

Moses and the Tablets

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Moses and the Tablets
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Maybe the weird-sounding commandments were just victims of Google Translate's imperfections? - Matty Malaprop

'I Lobster But Never Flounder.'

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... I'm just gonna leave this here and go have a massive EMBARRASS over in the corner, thanks. - Matty Malaprop

Touché, Random Soft-Newsy Blurb

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Touché, Random Soft-Newsy Blurb
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And when I say "soft-newsy," I mean WHO WRITES FIRST-NAME ONLY BYLINES LIKE THAT? - Matty Malaprop