This Shirt Will Change Your Life

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"I wasn't ready for this shirt.

I bought it for a 4th of July party, thinking it would be a fun gag shirt. Little did I know. I pulled it out of the box and immediately sank to my knees and wept tears of pure joy, and by "pure joy" I mean "pure Jack Daniel's". I strapped it on and my bench press increased by a 100lbs. I whipped the whisky from my face, looked in the mirror, and in my reflection I saw him behind me.

George Washington. Looking stern and powerful. He nodded once, an affirmation. I knew what I had to do.

I flung myself from the bathroom window and this shirt literally turned me into a bald eagle. I flew over Iraq and pooped tomahawk missiles on ISIS positions, then I flew back home and turned into a 1967 Pontiac GTO and drove all night until I arrived at P****town. Population: Me.

The Most Beautifully Redneck Six Seconds of Video on the Internet

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This Oregon Park Needs Its Own "Aggressive Owl" Warning Sign

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The park has been under the watchful, spiteful eye of one "Owlcapone" for ages now. After months of the owl stealing caps and harassing families, this sign was put into place. Owls: The Jerkbutts of the bird world.