If you don't have a list on your phone with potential baby names for your future children, what are you even doing? At press time, I am kind of ambivalent about whether I want to have kids, but so help me God, if I come upon a child, I have the perfect name waiting in the woodwork. Having baby names with no intention of having children is kind of like wanting to get married because you want to throw a party. It's all of the fun with none of the hassle. Anyone who has actually raised a child kno…

You survived thanksgiving and deserve all the memes for it.

Happy Thanksgiving, parents! Today might not be the most leisurely parenting day of the year, but I believe you all will get through it. You're about to enter prime “threatening your kids with Santa” season, and I support you all the way. Nothing will whip a kid into shape better than their fear of the naughty list.

You know it's going to be a good day when you're able to drink your coffee while it's still hot.

Not to brag, but my parents are extremely rad. I know that not everyone has great relationships with their parents and that some of the readers of this piece might be orphans, but I, for one, am in neither of those camps. My dad is literally one of the funniest people I know. He is a master songwriter and has been singing and writing his original jingles for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I used to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to sit at the breakfast table and read the funnies w…

That mom overstepped the mark

Good parenting etiquette definitely includes being able to laugh at parenting things.

One of the most prominent stereotypes about parents is that once someone has kids, something shifts in their brain that makes them feel like the most esoteric bearer of ancient, once unknown knowledge. They smugly remark on how different the world looks now that they've got kids, implying that they've got something far more important in their lives than anything a childless person could be doing. Although I understand how annoying this can be for those on the receiving end of these takes, I kin…

So evil

Sex Education is one of those topics that some people have a challenging time breaching with their kids. My parents were never the kind of people to try to tell me some hogwash about a stork and a baby; They were not in the business of baloney. I don't remember the exact moment when I realized what sex was because it was more of a gradual conversation throughout many years and, therefore, not so shocking to me. The one thing I do remember about our most memorable birds and the bees talk is that…

To love your child is to laugh at memes about your child.

Plus: what's up with East 81st Street Deli?

Twitter has a new main character this week, complete with a wild and unexpected backstory. I've found that most of the “Twiter Main Characters” tend to be parents who make mind-numbing decisions regarding raising their family. One of the most infamous of these characters is the Bean Dad, who sat idly by and watched his young daughter struggle to open a can of beans with a can opening for hours without helping her. Earlier this year, a parent described supporting their adopted kid's emotional ne…

It's good to teach kids about financial responsibility throughout their lives, but forcing them to buy everything themselves is not the way to do that. One redditor opened up about her spiteful husband, who seems to think it's totally fine to make her 16-year-old daughter feel guilt-ridden every time she wants something. Because the teenager has a part-time job, her stepdad will apparently say “you have money, buy it yourself” anytime she asks for something. When the girl's mom asked Reddit if…

Don't stress—your kids will still love you even after you secretly throw away some of their art.

Halloween is a difficult time to be a parent. One week, your kid wants to be a princess. The next week, they want to be a witch. By the time you get close to the 31st, they've come up with an idea for a costume so niche there is no way Spirit Halloween can provide it. Being a parent on Halloween is a difficult balance because you remember what it's like to be a kid on Halloween. You remember the struggle of your parents making you wear a winter coat over your costume, rendering the costume func…