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“I'm a comedian.” Three words, beginning with a contraction, that make me back away in revulsion. Back when I had Tinder, I listed two kinds of people who I simply would not converse with: The above self-proclaimed funnymen, and burners. Burners, as in Burning Man attendees. These types of people and their personalities (for the most part) couldn't turn me on less. My other major sexual dealbreaker is skipping foreplay, which is harder to assess when swiping on a dating profile . Most people ca…

If you've ever been around children , you know that every kid is somehow exceptionally filthy. They run around all day, eat with their hands, roll in the dirt, and stick their fingers in their mouth. Basically everything about children leads you to believe that they are the grossest demographic around. Young kids are at that tender age where they need the adults in their lives to instruct them on how to not be the most disgusting filthy pigs in the world. Unfortunately, some parents are too inc…

Ew.