I'M TOTALLY FINE.

My mom is one of those people who goes absolutely crazy for Christmas . After Thanksgiving, she starts rifling through storage boxes for her incredible collection of Christmas ornaments. She puts up the ancestral advent calendar (made of felt, of course) and spends her evenings piercing oranges with whole cloves to create pomanders. She laboriously strings cranberries into garlands, which she then drapes around the Christmas tree and her cozy home's exterior. Naturally, she demands only the fin…

I have an apology to make. I failed you last week. There was a meme gallery-sized void in our schedule, and it belonged to our weekly edition of Tolkien Tuesday. And that's because my immune system failed me in a similar manner. You see, I was delirious. Not with Covid-19, but with something less known and perhaps more sinister. Much like when Gandalf tussled with the Balrog, darkness took me and I strayed away through thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life…

Ah, yes, it's another beautiful day on the incomparable internet. And if we're being completely honest, we are feeling just a little bit demoralized. It is far from easy to be chained to your computer when all the news seems to be negative. There's no way to mince words regarding the defeat we feel about the agony we feel. Going about day-to-day life is extremely difficult when you're trying to make sense of senseless violence, and complete disregard for the state of the planet. Climate change,…

Oh my god. I can't believe it's already Sunday night. After a four day weekend, the aptly named “ Sunday Scaries ” feel extra terrifying. It's been a glorious stretch of time spent, well, doing anything but work. While those of you who are not stateside may have had a different experience, the past few days have been a lazy whirlwind of food comas, hangovers, and lots and lots of “Turkey Day” leftovers. Turkey sandwiches. Big pots of turkey soup. Wine mouth that cannot be scrubbed off if I trie…

If you've spent any significant amount of time on the hellscape of a website that is Twitter, then you are aware that not all tweets were created equal. Most of the riffs and rants that people see fit to scream into the Twitter abyss are either totally cringey, borderline (or straight-up) offensive, or, at its absolute worst, maybe even both. There's also the percentage of tweets being flung around that are so basic they actually make us fume. You know what we're talking about. The banal sentim…

When I was little my mom often said she didn't fart. For some stupid reason, I believed her, but then again, I also believed her when she said she was an alien and didn't have a belly button. Kids are dumb. The truth is everyone farts. Besides pooping, peeing, eating, and experiencing heartbreak, there's not much human activity that is more universal. Farting is an important part of life. Flatulence has the power to make people laugh at inopportune moments. Just this morning I got into an argum…

Life would be so much easier if I could mark people as spam.

While it's true that lying is generally bad, it's also true that some lies are so inane, so ridiculous, and so detailed, that the entertainment factor pretty much absolves the fibber of sin. When I was a kid I would write personal essays that were filled with lies so obvious (No, I never actually worked at a tiger preserve in China) that it's a miracle I got all As. Perhaps my teachers admired my creativity, or gave me points simply because they had something entertaining to read in the teacher…

Y'all. Is anyone else hungover and/or just weary from the Thanksgiving festivities ? I didn't know if I was going to make it home. There's something about this holiday (and maybe it's the turkey) that ends in complete exhaustion. Sure, it could be the booze. But why were we drinking in the first place? To be able to cope with the constant badgering about when I'm gonna pop a kid out? Or to deal with hearing your aunt talk about how amazing your cousin is, all the money he makes, and how he's th…

The ancient art of not giving a darn.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate in November. Thanksgiving is a day of happiness for some - namely our older family members. My family likes to do that whole thing where 30 of us sit in a circle and share what we're thankful for. The moment is one I dread. How the hell do I come up with something even remotely gratitude-adjacent when I feel like life simply sucks? It's a challenge, to be sure. But that moment isn't the only one I dread. I dread having to talk about whatever it is I was…

I don't think I'm the drama...

A guilty pleasure not many of us are ready to admit we have.

Greetings, friends. There's no denying it. As I'm sure my fellow users of the world wide web can attest to, hell is upon us. No, we're not talking about Donald Trump being allowed on Twitter. We're talking about the madness of Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Say what you will about Covid-19, but I was perfectly happy to sit at home, with friends, enjoying a big meal, maybe a bigger amount of wine, and some happy conversation. The years of Friendsgiving were marvelous. No overly concerned grannie…

Everyone has their favorite methods of seeking pleasure and frittering their spare time away. Some individuals like to binge-watch reality television on their cozy couches, surrounded by tasty treats. Then there are some people who prefer to engage in more productive activities and hobbies, such as woodworking, scrapbooking, fiddling with toy trains or even baking a fresh loaf of bread. Others still? They devote their extra time to their creative endeavors. That could be making music, writing,…