What's in a name like Optimus Prime or Scar or Captain Nemo? Let's find out, together. This... is Canonball.

I need to get something off my chest. You know all those viral TikToks where people take you through their adorable little morning routines? Well, I hate them. I really, really hate them. Who the hell gets up in the morning and actually thinks some sh*t like “Carpe Diem” as they apply their expensive skincare routine and drink a green smoothie? Well, I'm sure those people exist, but they're definitely RICH, and in no way reflect actual human beings. If I were to take you on a journey through my…

“What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.” If you're not familiar with Shakespeare, this quote is meant to assert that names (like Montague or Capulet) are actually irrelevant and that it's the nature of a person (or object) that truly matters.

Greetings, internet users and abusers. It's hump day which means we should feel a little bit of time-related optimism as we're supposed to be halfway through the week, or getting over the proverbial hump. Unfortunately, for many of us, time seems to move more slowly the closer we get to Friday, so the respite of the weekend feels like it's eons away. To make this time move more quickly, it's good to have an array of distractions to get you through the week. For me, it's been tough because I jus…

I don't think I'm the drama...

There's a quote in T olkien's Fellowship of the Ring that always comes back to me when I'm lamenting the current state of affairs, be it my own personal emotional turmoil, or the many ills faced by the world on a global level. When Frodo is tasked with the impossible, we are blessed by the following exchange: “I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is…

WikiHow certainly has its merits. If you're having some problems, it is almost guaranteed that some kind user has decided to try to help the world through those problems, by creating a step-by-step guide complete with some…interesting images. Trying to cope with crippling anxiety? They've got you covered. Dealing with depression? Yup. Need to ask a loved one for forgiveness? There's certainly something for that. Even someone looking to get into the subculture of emo h as an instruction manual t…

As I sit here on an Amtrak train to Providence, Rhode Island, I feel as though I am slowly losing my mind. And it's my own fault because I let my headphones die before a long trip. Now, with my ears fully open and exposed to the shudder-worthy sounds of reality, I am paying the price. To my left is a woman who appears to be from Long Island, furiously filing her nails as though we're in the bathroom adjacent to her gaudy master bedroom. She's been going at it for thirty minutes, with no signs o…

As a purveyor of diverse Internet content, there are a few animals that have really had success in the realm of memedom. Cats are an obvious one - cat memes just never seem to get old. But we're more interested in the grittier, self-deprecating memes that feature raccoons, who are also known (affectionately) as trash pandas. If we're being honest, it should come as no surprise that raccoons have an incredibly devoted (and large)fanbase. The masked bandits are incredibly cute, they're wily, and…

This includes everyone over the age of 30 (except for you, Leo).

When I was younger, it was pretty common to make fun of all the midwesterners who would move to New York City. The running joke was that every “transplant” was from Ohio and that they were, well, lame as hell. As I became a mature adult, I realized that there's nothing wrong with chasing one's dreams, even if they are cliche. And as I befriended more people who were new to the city, it became clear: a lot of people from the Midwest rule. And a lot of them moved here because they were too cool f…

Don't let the boredom win

Spot on

The United States of America is known for many things. Among them are intolerance, the plague of obesity, Disney, all the obese people at Disney, and, last but not least, cowboys. If we're being totally honest, only a couple of those things make for good memes . And we're not talking about fat-shaming people who want to get married with Mickey and Minnie. For years we've idealized and even idolized the cattle herders of American ranches. While the characters may be a bit less "en vogue" than in…

"If you're depressed and you know it, do nothing. If you're depressed and you know it, do nothing. If you're depressed and you know it, and you really wanna show it, if you're depressed and you know it, do nothing." Oh — oh…. I didn't see you there. I'm so sorry you had to hear that. Sometimes when I'm feeling bad I change songs to make them reflect my current mood, which at the moment, is quite negative. When I'm feeling negative I also tend to sink into a couch vortex, scrolling through memes…

Happy Thursday, friends, lovers, and Internet addicts. It's only been a few days since we updated you with a bounty of fresh tweets, but we're back with more. It's been quite a week on the “Bird App.” I learned about Hobo Johnson, and wish I could get the minutes I spent listening to that garbage back. Somehow, the artist has been trending for nearly a week. Add that to the Andrew Callaghan allegations , gas stove drama, and various forms of rabid rants, and we're almost ready to deactivate. Ju…