That's MY Best Picture winner!

Hiding in the bathroom when you don't want to be somewhere is a time-honored tradition. I've done it my whole life; I'm not afraid to smell a little dookie to get me out of math class for five minutes. That is a price I'm willing to pay. Hiding in the bathroom improved in high school because that's when vapes got popular. Instead of the bathroom smelling like a bathroom, it was filled with an array of tropical fruit flavors . The teen vapers made my bathroom experience much brighter than any Fe…

These are cool, we promise

Hey, I'm talking to you. Yeah, you, smarty pants. I saw you across the bar, and I couldn't help but notice that your aura oozes intelligence. I am also an individual of the smart experience so I can easily perceive things like this. Let me guess, when you were in elementary school, you were often lauded as “above average.” Hey, so was I! Wasn't it so great being better than all of those average normie normal people? Those were the days. My senses are also telling me that as you've grown older,…

Having a sense of humor is an invaluable quality. You don't have to be a brilliant standup comedian to know that! Comedy is highly beneficial if you're weak in other social skills. How many times have you heard the story of the class clown who was able to gain the respect of their fellow students through their sense of humor? I was 100% that kid when I was in high school. I took this John Waters quote extremely literally when I was a teen, and in some ways, I still do! "Anytime you make someone…

Not everyone can be a 10. However, most people aren't a two either. This reality has caused the bell curve of the population to be labeled a most upsetting term: "mid." Getting called “mid” by a middle school boy in your TikTok comments is rough. It feels like someone is calling you ugly, even though that's technically not what they're saying. Not only are there thousands of mid-people in the world, but there are also thousands of mid-memes. Do you ever see some memes that are just, fine? They'…

I'm a Goofy Goober , yeah! You're a Goofy Goober, yeah! We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah! Goofy goofy, goober goober, yeah! If you've never wanted to go to the Nut Bar from The Spongebob Squarepants Movie and get yourself one of those sundaes with faces, I don't get you. That iconic 2004 movie was the perfect case study for why being a goofy goober is better than being a Squidward. Goofy gooberism was the force that allowed Spongebob and Patrick to ultimately defeat Plankton and his mind-controlli…

Spoiler alert: it's not right now. For the past couple of years, we've felt like the end of the world as we know it was always right around the corner. Things kept getting worse, and not to sound too optimistic, but things have generally been improving since 2020. I really don't think we can or will have a worse year than that anytime soon. Even though the end times aren't right now, I have to wonder when it will be. And, more importantly, will we have memes? During the little moment we had in…

Last weekend at the Grammy Awards , two things happened. Beyoncé set a record for winning the most Grammys of any artist at 29 Grammys. She also lost the Album of the Year award to Harry's House . Bey Hive members were understandably upset by this loss. After all, Beyonce has never won the coveted award, even after years of unparalleled triumphs at the Grammys. Some Grammy voters have said they didn't want to vote for Adele or Beyoncé because they've won enough already, which I find ridiculous.…

Robin Hood was a pretty cool guy. He stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and he had a fraternity of merry men following him all the time. This man had a network of support that I find enviable. He is also skilled at archery, making him a well-rounded hot athlete. What can't this man do? I admit that the only Robin Hood movie I've ever seen is Robin Hood: Men in Tights . I never watched the Disney version for one reason and one reason only: I know the Mel Brooks adaptation is superior. I w…

Like many internet addicts, I am unsatisfied by merely one genre of memes. Offline people love to talk about how cat memes are the only good thing that's ever happened to the internet. I agree that cat memes are a remarkable phenomenon that brings joy to millions of people every day. However, I'm skeptical that cat memes are the be-all end-all of meme culture. Any topic can be memeified, and every topic is memeified! Remember those Rules of the Internet ? It's wild that it doesn't include a "Ru…

Inquiring minds would like to know, how has your 2023 been thus far? It's wild to think that we have arrived in February, but I think many of us hope these first three months of the year pass as quickly as possible. After all, it's hard to live your best life when it is 10 degrees Fahrenheit outside on a Friday night. Luckily for me, I am obsessed with this time of the year. I feel like it is much easier for me to change my bad habits during January and February than it is to do so in the summe…

You know that scene in Toy Story 3 when all of Andy's toys accept their deaths in the fiery pits of landfill hell before getting saved by those claw-obsessed little alien boys? Well, I sure do. That was my first exposure to the horror that is The Dump. The dump feels like a hypothetical location that you couldn't go to until you're swimming in the viscera of children's media. Who could forget Spongebob and Patrick dressed up as choice cuts while hanging out at The Dump, or Cartman convincing Bu…

Is this how you want to spend it? Absolutely.

Did you know that Opposite Day isn't a national holiday or even an unofficial holiday? That is an outrage. Silly little holidays are happening daily without fail, so why can't a day devoted to switcharoos get the 24 hours it deserves? My birthday is World Rabies Day , and that's a much lamer of holiday than Opposite Day could ever be. According to Wikipedia, it's a game played by children with no actual calendar date. If Opposite Day were real, then we adults wouldn't have to go to work that da…

Congratulations, Internet friends. Congratulations, friends. You've made it through another week of the agonizing responsibility of adult existence . Thanks to the freedom of the weekend, and the power of therapy, it feels a little easier to bend over for the man and write stupid blurbs like this one. The truth is, though, life has been feeling an awful lot like groundhog day. As I've sworn off many of my vices since the pandemic's start, every day just seems pretty damn cookie-cutter. Even our…