fail nation

R.I.P. The American Dream (1776-2014).

Via Fox19:

A Hamilton man with a long history of public indecency convictions was arrested again for simulating sex with a pool float. Edwin Tobergta, 35, was arrested Wednesday morning after a witness observed him standing naked on Route 4 in Hamilton simulating sex with a pink pool floatation device. According to the police report, the witness said he was in full view of nearby businesses and passing cars. He was charged with public indecency and contempt of court. Tobergta was previously arrested in June of 2013 after he engaged in sex with a pool float outside of his house in front of several children. He pleaded guilty to that offense and was sentenced to 11 months in prison but was released early. In August of 2011 he was arrested for a similar offense involving having sex with a pink swimming pool raft. In 2002, he was caught having sex with an inflatable pumpkin that was part of a Halloween display.

According to Lan Tien, "It was hot so I was painting the wall in the nude, and I slipped on the floor causing my private parts to fall inside the pipe that was protruding from the wall to take water outside from the air conditioning unit. Unfortunately, I got stuck as a result." One might use this as a teaching moment to talk about the safety of one's tally-whacker in the open air, but all we're left wondering is just HOW your jingle-jank can "fall" into an open pipe.

These are the mysteries of life, people.