butts

Sometimes someone just comes along and gives us something that we would never have dreamed of, and right now it's this guy right here. He has done us an amazing service by providing his analysis on something we never even knew we needed, something that we are still pretty sure we don't need.

Regardless, it's here and it's indiscriminate of gender. As, in true internet form, this enlightened individual has provided us unnecessary insight into the asses of history. 

We've got to hand it to whatever horny dude created these compelling Powerpoint presentations. "Why You Should Let Me Touch Your Butt" and "Why You Should Let Me Touch Your Boobs" are both valiant efforts at obtaining some very-important consent. While we hope that the creator got the heavy petting they desired, we also hope this was a joke and not a serious plea to some poor woman. We're going to keep enjoying the masterpieces until we hear otherwise.

Being a doctor is often looked at as a fancy, glamorous position. After years of school (and debt) many doctors feel their career choice has started to pay off. The reality, according to these stories, proves that medical professionals REALLY deserve the big bucks - and that people really need to stop sticking random objects into their buttholes.

Life is all about grappling with impending doom. Now there's a meme that very seriously depicts life's very real threats. "Butt Slam" predictably features a large woman in mid-air - just as she is about to land on the shirtless and blindfolded man below her. It's being used to describe both dangerous moments in history and dangerous situations in our mundane lives - such as staying awake too long scrolling through Instagram. 

Bush did 9/11. The Illuminati control the world. The moon landing was faked. Tom Cruise wore a prosthetic posterior while filming Valkyrie.

We love a good conspiracy theory - and while we're not sure Tom Cruise's suspiciously voluptuous glutes truly belong with the the classics, the controversy is definitely entertaining.  

Let's start from the beginning:  On August 20th, Twitter user @iluvbutts247 (of course) posted a film still from 2008's Valkyrie featuring Tom Cruise's surprisingly plump rump. The tweet proposes that Cruise donned a fake butt for a single shot. The tweet went viral, and was covered by media publications including Jezebel, NME, and as of today, CNN. 

Just over a month later, Tom Cruise dispelled rumors of his padded tush during an interview with Screen Rant, saying "I have no idea. There was no prosthetic in Valkyrie. No.[…]It's me. It's not CGI, it's me. I do my own mooning in films. So let it be known – I do my own mooning." This is somewhat believable - Cruise is known for doing his own stunts - but @iluvbutts247 was quick to respond with skeptcism. 

"I think if Tom Cruise wants to sit on prosthetics and call himself thicc, he has the right to give it a try, but there's no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. This ordeal has part of my attention--it has the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of ILuvButts247, where my colleagues and I are doing butt things that no one in Hollywood, including and especially Tom Cruise's flat ass, are physically or thickly capable of doing."

The statement, according to Know Your Meme, is actually a riff on a quote from The Social Network. We may never know if Cruise faked his Kardashian-esque derrière, but the saga has definitely been entertaining. Here are some of the highlights from the most ass-inine debate of the year. See what we did there?

Anime is an incredible treasure trove of unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) hilarious screenshots. Here are some of our favorite gems of late - we hope you like butt humor. 

Carefully sourced from the far reaches of the interwebs. 

But really where is the 'Call of Booty' shoutout?..What else do you guys think is missing from this list of amusing, albeit vaguely perverse genius?