Imma do nothing because I just have too much to do

I'm practicing my 1000 yard gaze for when I get trapped in unwanted conversation with an extrovert

BEWARE: Chit chat is fatal

Chitchat makes me wilt

1. Forget about the ones at gas stations

This is the 33rd weekend in a row that you've told your friends that you're "sick"

When you said 'Yes', you know you meant 'No'

Gettin' real tired of running with the pack

I was born to be a hermit

Why do I ever leave my house?

Why can I quote every movie I've ever seen, but I forget someone's name the second they tell me?

There's nothing worse than getting laid off . Just kidding, there is something objectively worse than that: finding out you're getting laid off from an outside source days before it happens. Being terminated without pay is possibly worse than getting let go, but getting let go always feels somewhat slimy, especially when your department is seemingly cut for no reason. Getting laid off is like saying, “we'll give you a little unemployment as a treat.” It's seemingly innocuous, but it's just anot…

We were all undeniably stupid at one point or another, so who are we to judge?

Don't call me without texting first.

As per my last email...

And for my next trick, I'll be breaking my own heart by exaggerating my place in other people's lives