When you said 'Yes', you know you meant 'No'

Gettin' real tired of running with the pack

I was born to be a hermit

Why do I ever leave my house?

Why can I quote every movie I've ever seen, but I forget someone's name the second they tell me?

There's nothing worse than getting laid off . Just kidding, there is something objectively worse than that: finding out you're getting laid off from an outside source days before it happens. Being terminated without pay is possibly worse than getting let go, but getting let go always feels somewhat slimy, especially when your department is seemingly cut for no reason. Getting laid off is like saying, “we'll give you a little unemployment as a treat.” It's seemingly innocuous, but it's just anot…

We were all undeniably stupid at one point or another, so who are we to judge?

Don't call me without texting first.

As per my last email...

And for my next trick, I'll be breaking my own heart by exaggerating my place in other people's lives

All my friends are plants.

I am ugly and I am proud

Oh boy did that manager learn their lesson.

When I say "I'm busy", I mean that I'm 8 episodes deep into my new show and I would rather hang out with them than any real human people.

It's easy to write something and never go back to edit it. After all, there are only so many hours in a day to get things done, and in many jobs, if you throw something onto the page, often nobody will clock your errors. No matter your job, it's usually a good idea to know how to spell, and if you don't, it's a good idea to have someone who can spell-check your work. Our brains aren't necessarily wired to pick up on spelling errors immediately, especially when we're reading something quickly. L…

What did he expect?