warning

One of them murders innocent children and keeps your hands cozy and warm. The other is actually called a birdie and is loved by many many high school athletes in Hong Kong. The line's a little blurry, really. - Matty Malaprop

A bit disturbing, but truthful all the same. - Matty Malaprop

And he's a downright saint, to boot! Why, just last week he helped my mother repot her begonias in the parlor! - Matty Malaprop

If I'm going to have to deal with a tapped phone line, I'm pretty a tapped phone line that helps create voice-activated porpoises is the best kind there is. - Matty Malaprop

Most sharks aren't particularly picky about what they eat, but sometimes their limits are rather finite. - Matty Malaprop

When you spend all your waking hours staring at a monitor, it's really only a matter of time before your head becomes a flat screen. - Matty Malaprop

Man, the simplicity of google has really been the armpits for people who like to ask riddles. - Matty Malaprop

Seriously guys, keep this stuff out of your fridge, or all of your produce will be ruined forever! - Matty Malaprop

Source: Left-Handed Toons

Seriously though, what makes a guy just up and RAM another human being with a bulky, glass-laden object? - Matty Malaprop

But I'm fairly certain this particular piece leaves very little to the imagination. - Matty Malaprop

This has long been my personal life rule... and look how I've turned out! #MaybeYouShouldn'tLiveThisWay #ButComeOnYouKnowYouWantTo - Matty Malaprop

Yo dawg, I heard you like needless hyper-literal disobedience... - Matty Malaprop

Next time you start bleeding while surfing, all you'll need to make it back to shore alive is a full-body seal costume and a simple splint. #THEMOREYOUKNOW #RAINBOW - Matty Malaprop