trees

Her boyfriend's name is Douglas Fir, but what she doesn't know is he's been pollenating with other lady-trees and is now a carrier of Phytophthora root rot. - Matty Malaprop

And for that matter, what about cantankeroustrees? Tenacioustrees? Do you just hate all things arboreal, or just pleasant ones in particular? - Matty Malaprop

Say what you will about my ever-expanding collection of lava lamps! I still maintain that they're an evergreen decor item! - Matty Malaprop

If a pun falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does it still make people groan? - Matty Malaprop

Social Media at its best and worst on Failbook!

These people really oughta stop with this conversation before they all make ashes out of themselves. - Matty Malaprop

These puns are giving me a splintering headache.

I mean, fir real, man? That's the way you talk to the ladies in your life? Willow be damned... - Matty Malaprop

Alternate title: "So THAT'S Why I Seem to Be Allergic to Pooping!" - Matty Malaprop