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And when I say "soft-newsy," I mean WHO WRITES FIRST-NAME ONLY BYLINES LIKE THAT? - Matty Malaprop

WAIT. PUN-OFFS ARE REAL THINGS? ALRIGHT I LOVE ALL OF YOU AND I'M SORRY BUT THIS IS THE END BECAUSE I'M RUNNING AWAY TO BECOME A COMPETITIVE PUN-TALKER! - Matty Malaprop

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. RUPERT. Why do we even invite you over for Christmas anymore?? - Matty Malaprop

Maybe the weird-sounding commandments were just victims of Google Translate's imperfections? - Matty Malaprop

... I'm just gonna leave this here and go have a massive EMBARRASS over in the corner, thanks. - Matty Malaprop

Oh, "Scrubs..." why your network hasn't wiped you from existence yet is utterly beyond me. - Matty Malaprop