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Her boyfriend's name is Douglas Fir, but what she doesn't know is he's been pollenating with other lady-trees and is now a carrier of Phytophthora root rot. - Matty Malaprop

As Gotye's better half (in that video at least) would say, I really hope these endless "Somebody That I Used To Know" puns eventually Settle Down. - Matty Malaprop

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I'm betting all these puns were brewed up in Cosmo's Factory... - Matty Malaprop

Maybe I'm just too cynical to appreciate love, but I've always felt like weddings are simply mulch ado about nothing. - Matty Malaprop

And this right here is why I always get a little irked when doctors try and get cheeky with their 25 cents worth. - Matty Malaprop

Good or bad, elevator sex always ends with someone getting the shaft. If you know what I mean. - Matty Malaprop

And this, children, is what happens when you open your big mouthpieces. - Matty Malaprop

The doctors had never seen anything like it before. They even had to coin a new term to describe the situation! - Matty Malaprop

I mean sure, she's got a bit of a frigid temperament, but what were you really expecting from a Neopolitan girl? - Matty Malaprop