news

I don't think U.S. whiskey makers are gonna be able to handle what happens if they start a war with their scottish rivals... - Matty Malaprop

Where would journalism be without puns? Certainly not visiting phallological museums, that's for sure. - Matty Malaprop

Clearly what they were trying to say was "SREAKING NEWB REPORTB: OSAMA SIN LADEN DEAD," right? - Matty Malaprop

Suzanne Collins may have written the novels, but these headlines really just write themselves. - Matty Malaprop

I'm terribly upset by the whole affair, but I know you only told me because you had the (wilde)beest intentions. - Matty Malaprop

Sure, it's a totally biased program, but with all the sham news on basically every station, I don't mind being shielded from the horrors of diatribes from time to time. - Matty Malaprop

They were just too worried about passengers blacking out in fear, I guess. - Matty Malaprop