Hey, hey, put down your guns! I'm just the courier of the Times News here!

Man, the simplicity of google has really been the armpits for people who like to ask riddles. - Matty Malaprop

Looks like all the joy is gone from someone's almonds... - Matty Malaprop

GPOY me in da club. All the ladies be wanting my nuts, but I'm a really really tough cache. - Matty Malaprop

On the plus side, high fidelity headphones are always faithful to their spouses, AND they'll take a bullet for any and all of their friends and acquaintances. - Matty Malaprop

Matty Malaprop's Valentine's Day 2012 Agenda: Work. Go home. Cry. Listen to The Smiths. Cry. Eat ice cream. Cry. Listen to the Smiths. Cry. Fap. Cry. Eat ice cream, listen to The Smiths, cry and fap simultaneously. Repeat until it's Feb. 15.

It's Valentine's Day, and Cheezburger has a very special present for you!

A stunning documentary that proves once and for all that there's always money in the banana stand. - Matty Malaprop