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By xyzpdq1
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They'll listen non-judgmentally to all of your problems, free of charge. - Matty Malaprop

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People seem to have mixed feelings about this sale. All the reactions are either completely positive or completely negative and nowhere in between! - Matty Malaprop

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Via: Domics
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I tried doing this once with my phone, but in addition to being dead, it turns out my battery was also a deadbeat. - Matty Malaprop

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By tonis
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And once again, anonymity has found itself usurped by acronymity. - Matty Malaprop

Source: Cyanide & Happiness

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By dominicsoh (Via: Pocket Puns)
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FUN FACT: Your typical judge doesn't take too kindly to puns under oath. I may or may not know this from personal experience. - Matty Malaprop

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By Unknown
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After he got over his fear of public speaking, Terry left his weekly AA meetings feeling positively energized. - Matty Malaprop