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Her boyfriend's name is Douglas Fir, but what she doesn't know is he's been pollenating with other lady-trees and is now a carrier of Phytophthora root rot. - Matty Malaprop

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And this, children, is what happens when you open your big mouthpieces. - Matty Malaprop

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Via: kylebustin.tumblr.com
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I'm betting all these puns were brewed up in Cosmo's Factory... - Matty Malaprop