I Never Wood-a Guessed

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I Never Wood-a Guessed
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Browsing Wikipedia for ~~inspiration~~ for my writeup for this post, I learned that there are many different types of clogs. Traditional clogs, clog sandals, clog boots (!), wedding clogs (!!), low heel clogs, and a giant four-meter long clog in Enter, Netherlands. This information didn't help me write a joke though... all it did was clog my brain with even more useless information.

... I'm going to go cry myself to sleep for having just cracked that one. I'm so sorry, everyone. - Matty Malaprop

The Perfect Pi Day Treat!

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The Perfect Pi Day Treat!
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In case you hadn't heard, it's Pi Day! And as I'm sure it's no surprise, you can probably guess that I want 3.1415926 [...] of these babies in my mouth RIGHT NOW. - Matty Malaprop

Moar funny food over here!

Three Karat Diamond Pin

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Three Karat Diamond Pin
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You get it? Because there's three carrots, a dime AND a pin. Oh god, fine, yeah, that's a huge stretch WHATEVER THOUGH I REGRET NOTHING! - Matty Malaprop

She Must Be Really Pissed!

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She Must Be Really Pissed!
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If I can offer my two cents, I'd say she's kind of being a bad (water)sport about the whole ordeal, honestly... - Matty Malaprop

Thanks for Deciphering This One for Me, Google

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Thanks for Deciphering This One for Me, Google
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I'm pretty sure I'd rather listen to a bear roaring over a bad club track for a full hour than listen to the Dev song this pun is referencing... - Matty Malaprop

The Twowlth Doctor

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The Twowlth Doctor
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Dr. Hoo's TARDIS may APPEAR to be just an ordinary oak tree, but I assure it's far bigger on the inside than you might think at first glance. - Matty Malaprop