Does this particular watt of lightbulb make my butt look big? - Matty Malaprop

If you look closely, the swing actually says "Warning: contains grumpy child in desperate need of a nap." #NoItDoesn't - Matty Malaprop

I don't know about the rest of you, but my parents always had a knack for predicting arrival times at places to a T. - Matty Malaprop

I guess this explains why some people think shrimp taste a lot like chicken... - Matty Malaprop

Zebras, z-bras, Zaireekas... they're all the same thing, right? - Matty Malaprop

Where the X and the Y only meet at one point and continue forever away. - Matty Malaprop

Don't let the haters bring you down, hedge-bro. Just walk on by and tell 'em they gotta go fast if they want to jack your swag, or something. #WHATAMIEVENSAYING - Matty Malaprop