Little did he know he'd end up wedding one of those seemingly inadequate sharpies... - Matty Malaprop

One thing Jay-Z and this baby definitely have in common: They both have AMAZING cribs. - Matty Malaprop

It's at once more ethical and more violent than its homophonic counterpart. - Matty Malaprop

I for one shoal never seas schooling you with amazingly shallow water jokes. - Matty Malaprop

Be keffiyeh what you wish for, tie. You just might get it. - Matty Malaprop

He's not above doing whatever it takes to preserve his illustrious and self-indulgent reputation. - Matty Malaprop

... you guys get it? It's sloppy, like pig slop, see? That was clever, right? Okay yeah no it wasn't and I'm so so sorry everybody. - Matty Malaprop